apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
