You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Blood and glitter go together right?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
