i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
