your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
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