her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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