"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
