She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
