I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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