She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
