if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
