i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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