My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
