You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
