she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
