If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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