i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
