Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
