I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
