Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
