they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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