So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
not ubering you a puppy
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
