I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
