Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
