Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
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