Even the bartender felt bad for me
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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