Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Farmville is her only friend.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
This house was built for laser tag.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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