I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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