some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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