I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I had to cum in my sink.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
