smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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