So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
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