I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
