You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
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