you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
