so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
