i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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