half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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