i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
