He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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