I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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