My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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