remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
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