i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
