Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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