I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
