I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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