Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
