No period for spring break; use this wisely.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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