Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Houston, we have a blender
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
