i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
